dancelikenooneswatching.

.

2012-02-05T14:52:00.000-08:00

As the Superbowl starts, all my heart can think about is the thousands of slaves going in and being trafficked.

My heart breaks.
It seems like too big a prayer, but I pray that the Lord would be over them, comforting them and somehow using this for His glory.
I pray for freedom and for restoration.
My words feel hopeless and my heart continues to break.
I pray for intervention and for many pimps to be caught.
I pray for mercy.
I pray for those children to find hope in Jesus. I pray that they would meet Him.
I'm thankful that though my heart doubts a smidge, my God is big enough to handle this plea.
He is sovereign over sex-trafficking too.
He sent Jesus for those girls and He has every intention of liberating them and restoring them.

"I will ransom them from the power of the grave, I will redeem them from death."

[hosea 13:14]

i got some new gogs.

2012-02-01T19:10:00.000-08:00

i go swimming 3x a week.
i think that swimming is the greatest form of exercise there ever was.
it literally almost kills me when i run for 17 minutes.
i can swim for an hour and that hour flies by.
what a beautiful thang.
on time i got up to running 22 minutes.
i hated every minute of it.
i'm not hating on you runners, im actually a bit envious of you.
im also thankful that i have found some form of exercise that i really enjoy.
whats more about this swimming that i have discovered is that it is quite entertaining to watch others swim.
there are some attractive fellas that walk up to dat pool and then, they jump in and then, they swim and then, i laugh.
how can such athletic looking boys swim so frantically and funnily.
i wonder if i swim that frantically. i feel like i dont, but there is really no way to tell; ive never seen myself swim.
whats more is that the pool is a huge attractor for the asain community.
namely those who are old and precious. they swim so slowly. i mean, snail pace. its impressive.
i bet the lifeguards laugh a lot behind the scenes.

Beauty.

2012-01-29T19:13:00.000-08:00

Jesus, I'm thankful for Your Tree of Redemption.

listen.

the things i learn on pintrest.

2012-01-11T12:54:00.000-08:00

who knew i've been wearing bobby pins backwards my whole life?
that ridggidy part, its supposed to go face down in your hair.
its the part that holds your hair up.

what up 2012

2011-12-31T21:43:00.000-08:00

this year:

branch out on my cooking abilities

go whitewater rafting

go clubbing more slash go to a club in rals

take a dance class

learn to play the piano

2011-12-10T07:02:00.000-08:00

"But the angel said to her,
'Do not be afraid, Mary,
you have found favor with God."
Luke 1:30

Mary was favored.
This has laid heavy on my heart as I walked through this week.
She was told she would carry "the Son of the Most High". Ya know, no biggie. She was just going to give birth the One on whom the salvation of all humanity rests.
Mary is so cool.
But at the same time, this favoring came with great scandal and great heartbreak.
She became the gossip of the town; a slut in their eyes. Yet, she was favored. She found herself knocked up before she was married because she was favored. She endured ridicule, yet she was favored. She watched Jesus be murded on a cross; she was favored.
When you are favored, you are placed in situations where you have nothing but Jesus to cling to.
That is what He desires; for us to have none but Jesus.
We are God's children.
We are favored as well.

"When you have favor, you have Jesus. And that is beautiful." -Tyler Jones, Vintage21

2011-12-06T07:50:00.001-08:00

"I consider that our present sufferings
are not worth comparing
with the glory
that will be revealed
in us."

romans 8:18

(Praise the Lord for that.)

a glimpse at the bucket list.

2011-12-05T08:33:00.000-08:00

i would like to learn to play the piano.
i think it is beautiful and graceful and lovely.

legit.

2011-11-30T13:37:00.000-08:00

Advent: God With Us from The Village Church on Vimeo.

2011-11-27T15:37:00.000-08:00

"Hope has come, but glory is coming; that's Advent"

-V21

Yahweh

2011-11-15T17:57:00.000-08:00

You reign forever.
I'm thankful for that.

what a beautiful thang.

2011-11-12T10:47:00.000-08:00

dancing is so therapeutic to me.
i forgot what it does to my heart.
coming in with overwhelming emotions and allowing yourself to be engulfed in the music, throwing yourself wholeheartedly into each step, each movement.
all of your pint up energy, built up frustration, stuffed down pain is released in an abstract way. no one really even knows those are the feelings being thrown into the movements, they just see the beauty. or in the hypothetical event that it is at a dance party, the hilarity of your ridiculous unidentifiable moves.
and really it doesn't matter what it looks like because it just feels so good.
even if it is silly dancing at a party.
it may not be the way that i grew up releasing my emotions in the studio during rehearsals, but a dance with bangin' music has just the same effect.

one day i hope to be fluent in spanish.

2011-11-10T10:06:00.000-08:00

In my Spanish class we all have to take turns presenting on anything that we would like. We just have to talk for three minutes. Its like pulling teeth everyday for the last 15 minutes.
People get up there and seriously, it takes them the full 3 minutes to say two sentences.
Ikidyounot.
Regardless, today a boy gave his presentation on christian hip-hop.
It warmed my heart.
I love it when people love Jesus.
He is just so good and deserving of our loves; of our lives.

can't help dem feelings.

2011-11-09T19:15:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I don't want to count it all joy, James.
Sometimes I would rather not hear that I should delight in my hardships, Paul.
Sometimes I want to wallow and eat a whole tub of ice cream and cry endlessly.
And so I do.
But only for a short time, because in all honesty the wallowing and the gaining 500lbs and the many tears just don't amount to much compared the Love that continually beckons me.

I have a greater hope. It doesn't make much sense to me, but my Jesus died for me.
He has given me victory.
And that is something to be joyful about.
That is something to take delight in.

[john 16:33]

my passion.

2011-11-07T19:00:00.000-08:00

My [strength] in life is I am Yours.
My soul delights because I am Yours.

Jesus my love is Yours.

You are my heart's desire.
I live to know you more.

some ramblings.

2011-11-02T14:05:00.000-07:00

I was walking to school today and a biker came wizzing by me.
Hate dem bikers.
The biker saw me, but not so much the man in front of me and, swerving at the last second to miss him, ran into the side of a car and flipped all the way over.
It looked like a scene out of a movie.
She was totally fine. Just embarrassed, I think.

I was eating lunch today and the guy beside me opened up his ketchup packet, but it actually exploded and landed in my hair.
I'm sorry, what?
How does that happen.
Seriously, globs in my hair.
And the guys', I'm assuming, girlfriend just kept talking on the phone like nothing happened. And when she was done, she got up and took a picture of it.
That was all.

I went for a 15 minute run today (I'm adding one minute to every run). My roomies were seriously so proud of me. They cheered when I announced I was going out for a run.

My roomie thought that poinsettias were actually called pointzettias.

These are the things that get me through the days peeps.
Hilarity.

gym rookie.

2011-10-26T14:30:00.000-07:00

that awkward moment when you lift too much weight at the gym on the chest press and you can't quite push it all the way up and they guy across from you bursts out laughing.

that awkward moment when you try the free weights, but you don't know what to do with them so you sort of just stand there and do a few rando reps of something quickly while amongst a sea of really big guys.

that awkward moment when you have to get on and off a machine 800 times to get the perfect seat adjustment.

that awkward moment when you get on after that really fit girl has started running and then you get off before she is done.

that awkward moment when you are feeling pretty good about yourself because you ran for 12 minutes today and then you come home and 2 of your roomies ran for over 30 minutes and the other ran 10 miles.

its a new thing. im learning slowly but surely.

on a Sunday night.

2011-10-09T16:43:00.001-07:00

there's just nothing better than sitting in the Presence of my King.

espanol

2011-09-19T19:48:00.000-07:00

its very much a lovehate relationship, that espanol.
i think that i love it, that im getting the hang of it, that i could totes hold my own in a spanish speaking country.
then i walk by a spanish speaking woman talking on the phone.
of course i try to understand her and all of my hopes and dreams come crashing down.
she talks 7 million miles an hour. not like my professor who articulates and annunciates every syllable or my spanish tapes that have an american accent.
so many tenses, so many rules.
tonight, im ending more on the hate side with espanol.
maybe after this test it'll swing back up to love.
here's to hopin'.

da fam.

2011-09-13T18:52:00.001-07:00

sometimes i just cry because i love my family so much.
when did i become so sentimental?
always.
i've always been so sentimental.

2011-08-26T20:08:00.000-07:00

sometimes, i'm thankful that the Lord knows my heart better than i do.
and by sometimes, i mean all the time.

truth.

2011-06-07T08:16:00.000-07:00

there's no place i'd rather be,
than here in Your Love.

round two.

2011-05-17T07:02:00.000-07:00

I go to camp in two days.
When I signed to go back for another summer it was under completely different circumstances.
The family was healthy and my life was in order.
Now it is two days before and the family is not all healthy and my life is not exactly in order.
Its a fight for Peace. Its a fight to surrender and remember Sovereignty.
There is uncertainty in leaving the 'boro for ten weeks knowing I'm needed.
There is uncertainty in going to camp for ten weeks knowing that my heart is at risk for more chaos when I arrive and have no choice but to stay.
I've got no choice but to trust and believe in the Sovereignty of my Jesus.
And I do. I sit and I rest and I speak Truth into this heart of fear and anxiety. As Truth soaks in, the Peace takes over. My Jesus loves me. He has good for me. He is Sovereign and He will provide.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
[psalm 73:26]

confessions:

2011-05-11T18:41:00.000-07:00

i like taylor swift.
i respect her.
she is great.
i like her music.
i do not like her live voice.
i do like her recorded voice.
those statements, especially the last two, are disappointing. i know.
i just cant help myself.

cookoutmilkshakehappiness

2011-05-01T20:07:00.001-07:00

its a sunday night, at 11:07 and im not in bed.
there is no anxiety because my 8hr necessitytofunction sleep.
PTL.

lolz.

2011-04-27T20:27:00.000-07:00

http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/full-list-of-stuff-white-people-like/

i had forgotten about this until tonight. #14 is da best.

in other news:

i was driving with my windows down today and i was singing and a pedestrian walked by my car and started laughing.
how embarrassing.

the rooms stopped her car on a major road tonight to move a toad to the side of the road so it wouldn't get squished.
the toad thanks her for saving her life.
i thank her for making me laugh.
she is the greatest.

beautifulthings.

2011-04-26T11:47:00.000-07:00

You are making me new.

happiness

2011-04-16T18:57:00.000-07:00

mumfordandsons
comethoufountofeveryblessing

i gots a check for my birfday.

2011-04-14T19:59:00.000-07:00

i like checks.
sometimes i wish you still had to write a check to pay when you went to the grocery store.
remember all of those times you watched your mom write a check at the grocery store?
and then she had to fill out the balance part.
she looked so important doing that.
and then the cashier had to check her id, make sure she was legit.
so important.
i wanted to be that important; mimicking her with my lil pocket book and baby doll.
once, she even gave me her old check book to play with.
in my pretend world, i became so very important.

now in my real world, all ive got is plastic.
that'll do.

2011-04-10T17:53:00.001-07:00

i may be weak
Your Spirit's strong in me
my flesh may fail
my God you never will.

shwart.

2011-03-28T14:45:00.000-07:00

elm ed:
class three days a week, from 830 to 215.
no friday classes.
15hrs a semester.

bus maj:
class errday, from 8 to 245.
friday classes.
18hrs next semester.
spanish.
probs summer school.

this switching majors business is risky. and these are my reasons.
plus idontknowwhatimgoingtodowhenigraduate.
at least they only last for 2 years. the end result lasts a lifetime.
or until i have kids.
whichever happens to come first.

here's to hopin' the Big Guy has a plan for these desires he has placed in my heart.

"delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.
commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him." psalm 37:4&5

im a regular. nbd.

2011-03-27T12:32:00.001-07:00

a new found love since moving off campus this year: coffee shops

i sort of love everything about all of them.
it sort of came out of no where and ive welcomed it with all of my heart.
they are just great.
with somewhat light class schedule and a varying normal to heavy work load, i have found myself in coffee shops a lot this school year.
it has begun a love for coffee, very sweet coffee, but coffee nonetheless.
friendships, interviews, heart to hearts, study sessions, little old men passing the time.
so much comfort found. so much newness explored. so much goodness.
nottin' betta than a wednesday filled with coffee shop love.

2011-03-23T16:12:00.000-07:00

"Sow for yourselves righteousness,
reap the fruit of unfailing love,
and break up your unplowed ground;
for it is time to seek the Lord."

[hosea 10:12]

funniest

2011-03-21T13:53:00.000-07:00

windy days are never good days to wear big earrings. my lil earlobes were just about ripped off my lil head.

i sat at a traffic light for literally 13 minutes while i waited for railroad workers to pass in this. the high pitched horn made it even better.

i heard this story that someone opened a text in the lib and a girl singing the JoBro's Burnin' Up came on loud and clear for all to enjoy. the story might have been my real life. i might have sent the text. the voice might have been mine. i might be mortified.

i missed the bus and had to run to try and beat it to its next stop. despite me lookin' like a fool, i made it.

the rooms received this lovely shower cap in the mail today. ill probs be wearing it everywhere i go.

its been one of those days.
ive been able to spend some quality time workin on my abs.

happy spring.

for the days when you feel overwhelemed by your sinful self.

2011-02-28T16:13:00.000-08:00

but You are a shield around me, o Lord; You bestow glory on me and life up my head

[psalm 3:3]

My Jesus is faithful.
Even when I screw up.
He loves me.
And even more than that. He bestows glory on me.
And lifts up my head.

good music does my heart good.

2011-01-30T13:31:00.000-08:00

i can never watch the bachelor alone again.

2011-01-07T20:10:00.000-08:00

too many thoughts and no one to tell them to.

he got therapy.
and had to talk to his exes.
then got slapped by the first girl out of the limo.
rough night.
the vampire teeth.
the morgue girl.
the 29 inch bright pink platform shoes. and she is a fashion consultant.
he told at least four girls that he "loves them already" within the first 7 seconds of meeting them.
he pinky promised to not break a girls heart.
that is risky business.
also she looks like rachel from glee.
but does not sing like her.
chick waxed his arm hair off. chick is crazy.
NC is representinnnnn.
there be some frisky girls on this show.
dont think i could come on this show as a high school teacher.
or as an other profession.
i just could never go on that show.
i like the first impression rose girl. good dress and from the south.
atta boy.
oh wait, she is the frisky one. i take it back.

im sucked in for yet another dramatic season.

my new favorite place to study.

2010-12-08T14:13:00.000-08:00

young couple on a couch that have gone through two cups of coffee each. they haven't stopped talking and laughing.
you can tell its a new thing.
they have been on the same couch for longer than i have been studying here.
a good 3 hours and going strong.
two women talking about lesson planning and grading papers.
i can't stop listening 'cause it's my dream to be what they are.
they've called me out for eavesdropping.
whoops.
the sweetest barista ive eva met serving cup of coffee after cup of coffee. taking her time with everyone.
you can tell people want to be frustrated, but she is just too precious.
an old man who has provided the best entertainment. it all started when it took about five minutes to figure out how to open the door.
no i didn't help, i just watched. i'm the worst.
he is wearing the best outfit, sitting in a rocking chair reading a newspaper, sipping on coffee. oh to live the retired life.
an overwhelming amount of college kids cramming for exams.
the best classical music playing softly overhead.
andd its open till 11. the perfect time.
lovin' me some royal bean.

my heart.

2010-11-09T12:57:00.000-08:00

sometimes, i just want to go to africa.

http://tecpetajaphoto.com/blog/?p=1289

i love days like today.

2010-10-30T14:27:00.000-07:00

a cup of tea.
hours of tv to catch up on.
a little bit of work to do.
staying in my jammies, relaxing
all. day. long.
best ever.

what up, failure?

2010-10-19T21:15:00.000-07:00

recently im trying something new in my life: failure.
not that ive never failed before, im just beginning to accept failure.
its come in the simplest of ways: cooking.
i am a terrible cook. i've decided that the only way for me to get better is to fail.
last week i ruined my chicken. yesterday, i ruined my potatoes.
how in the world do you ruin a potato?
im not sure, but i did it.
im learning to allow myself to be okay with failure.
its a journey; i tend to live a life of perfectionism and failure doesnt really have room in a perfectionist world.
its a humbling experience and as it started in the kitchen, i am opening it up to other areas of my life.
as i learn about failure, i learn about grace.
the only way to receive grace is through failure.
if i never failed and was always perfect i would never need Jesus' grace to redeem me.
so here is to failure.
bring it on.

Hallelujah, what a Savior.

2010-10-10T10:22:00.001-07:00

You are worth Jesus.
The world might not remind you of that, but the cross does.
That was the price that was paid for you.
Jesus' life.
You are worth that.
Is that really believable?
I have a hard time wrapping my head around it.
From my point of view, I dont see how I am worth it.
Look at my life. Im covered in sin. Covered in shame.
But the beauty is that He bought me at that price before I was even formed. I was predestined for this life. I was worth it before I messed up eight million times.
Because I love Jesus, He has washed me clean.
He sees me covered in righetousness. Resting in His overwhelming love.
You are worth Jesus.
Let that overwhelm you.
You are worth Jesus.
It leaves me no choice but to bow and worship my King of Kings.
He gave his life for me.

getthat.

2010-09-17T11:59:00.000-07:00

Spencer Shell: discharge day! whoop! its all still a mystery too cause my heart is super healthy. hmmm.

danggg.
i love this tweet.
beyond belief.
two weeks ago, he, a 20ish super health, super active college kid, had a heart attack and almost didnt make it.
what a powerful testimony to the amazing power of Christ in our lives.

"I raised you up for this very purpose, that I might display my Power in you and that My name might be proclaimed in all the earth."
[Romans 9:17]

to new journals.

2010-09-16T20:20:00.001-07:00

i finished a journal the other day.
there is something so satisfying about finishing a journal.
knowing that you filled up alllll of those pages with your thoughts.
i love looking back and seeing how ive grown and how much ive still got to go.
pages and pages filled with black ink.
i love a good worn in journal.
the more stains the better, you can tell its been somewhere.
at the same time though, it is sad to finish a journal.
i get attached and something that i see every single day for quite some time is so no longer in my life.
i miss it. i was comfortable with that journal, it was well broken in.
and now it is filled and i must start anew.
new journal, filled with a multitude of empty pages just waiting to be filled with my thoughts.
equally as satisfying in my book.

2010-09-06T14:26:00.000-07:00

And through all of this, there is nothing, absolutely nothing; no fear, no insecurity, no doubt, no hesitation that will ever, ever stop us.
Because we are the sons of the living God.
Because we are the children of the Almighty.
Because we are the residence of the kingdom of Heaven and we are soldiers in an army of the immortal.
And when we speak light, light happens.
And when we speak healing, healing happens.
And when we speak truth, truth happens.
And when we go take what we found to a dead world, we will see it come to life again.
When we take what we found to a hopeless world, we will see hope come back.
We will see the hearts of our world start beating again, and we will see the color come back in peoples faces, and absolutely nothing will ever stop that.
And mountains will move before us,
and oceans will part before us,
and the dead will raise before us.
And the world will know that our God is a God that heals,
that our God is a God that lives,
that our God is a God that loves unlike anyone has ever felt before;
because we are fearless,
because we are his hand,
because we are his feet,
forever and ever.

summa 2k10

2010-08-24T20:05:00.000-07:00

this summer i got a glimpse of what Sovereignty looks like.
i stepped into not even realizing what i was doing.
i suppose that is what sovereignty means.
i went with no real expectations, other than knowing i needed this adventure.
i was in desperate need of seeing what it felt like to be just me and no one else.
well i got it.
and i loved it.
i was taught that even when i have no clue of what to expect, He has already decided what ways He will show up and how that will affect me:
in. huge. ways.
i never really knew what it meant to having nothing accept Him.
i feel like i could learn much more of what that means, but this summer i got a good glimpse of having no one other than Him to rest in.
it was so lovely.
He made us to be completely satisfied when we rest in Him; i found that to be oh so true as i daily learned what it means to rely on Him for literally everything. from putting one foot in front of the other to the words coming out of my mouth.
He is truly Sovereign. He is truly good.

im such a grown up.

2010-08-22T14:04:00.000-07:00

bananas
apples
celery
green beans
chicken
yogurt
bread
hamburger buns
relish
ketchup
pancake mix
syrup
butter
cheese

first grocery list of my life.
makes me feel old.

oh hey, summer

2010-05-13T13:10:00.000-07:00

look at you rollin' in with your 54915 doctor appointments
and your no school work
and your feel good weather.
its about time my pale self gets to soak up some of your uvas.
evening time is my favorite,
taking a walk right around dusk.
one last game of basketball and who can catch the most fireflies.
normalish sleeping hours taking place in my cozy little bed.
good food and freeze pops.
emerging back into a glimpse of my old world and
finally betting to catch up with long lost friends and families.
ill take all i can get these next few days here in da boro.
summer, im glad your back
:)

7 days.

2010-05-07T11:12:00.000-07:00

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you.
Not as the world gives do I give to you.
Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.
[john 14: 27-28]

One week from today, a wild and crazy summer for me will begin.
In the end, I'm sure I'll be laughing at this post. But for the moment, I am clinging to this and all other peace ensuring scripture I can get my hands on.
In the midst of these exams, I'm finding myself homesick and not wanting to go.
Leaving for the whole summer is a big deal. The excitement and anticipation is there, don't get me wrong. But so is the worry and the fear and as the countdown goes down, the worry and fear go up.
Away from normalcy as well as every single person I know, sounds like a great idea right?
I am essentially voluntarily walking into one of my biggest fears.
I won't know a single soul.
So I cling to my Jesus. My Peace. My Comfort.
As i let myself breathe I feel His all encompassing love overwhelm me, canceling out all fear.
In Him I find my rest.

golly.

2010-04-19T11:41:00.001-07:00

Saturday mornings are a favorite of mine.
Campus is dead. and beautiful.
I love sitting in the sun soaking up the warmth in the coolness of morning.
The simplicity of Saturday mornings awakens my heart as I hear my Maker inviting me to come and sit with Him as he lovingly molds me into who He has created me to be.
The stillness allows me to lose myself in Him for hours.
Something that I long for often, but only achieve at times like Saturday mornings.
Nothing is open, no one is awake. There is no reason to be.
I can just sit and be.
Golly, I love 'em so much.

needtobreathe

2010-03-30T12:56:00.000-07:00

this is my desire
consume me like a fire, 'cause i just want something beautiful
to touch me, i know that i'm in reach
'cause i am down on my knees, i'm waiting for something beautiful

You wont relent until You have it all.

2010-03-24T18:09:00.001-07:00

its a trust thing, this relationship with Jesus is.
He waits patiently for me to give Him a little bit more of myself, each and every time beckoning me to give Him all of me.
and each and every time i give Him a little bit more of me and find that He can handle it.
imagine that.
it goes step by step, day by day and i continually learn to trust Him more and grow deeper, more rooted in Him.
my Jesus, who is nonetheless than the Author and Perfecter of my faith, is true and faithful to stand relentlessly by me and not be satisfied till he has every part of me.
and for that i am eternally grateful.

2010-03-24T13:16:00.000-07:00

nature is so beautiful.
there is something so majestic about it.
standing on the edge of a cliff looking out into vastness.
watching the clouds go by a windy day.
a sunset that merely takes your breath away.
the majesty we see in it is Him.
the beauty we are captivated by is a small ity bitty like glimpse of what it will be like to stand in His presence.

im diggin' this weather.
but seriously. im getting nothing done.

btdubs.

2010-02-11T19:26:00.000-08:00

go watch this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Ya12I036lg

holy cow.

okay now guess what.
today i was in my biology lab, which, btdubs i have secretly fallen in love with biology, im not really ready to fall public in love with it because i feel like when say you have fallen in love with something you have to know that something and a fair amount about it and me and biology are just starting to get to know each other. regardless, im falling pretty fast.
im falling for it because it reveals the beauty of God's creation.
my biology professor is an athiest and when she talks in some of her lectures, i can see her refuting God and refuting all that He stands for, but the irony is that while she refutes Him, i see His glory. I see His creation and it overwhelms me with awe and joy.
So I'm in my biology lab today and we had to look at these samples of lake water and we got to use these fancy microscopes and when we looked at them there will hundreds of little tiny organisms swimming all over the place. It was ridiculous. And gross. But, I was talking about it with my lab partner and we talked about how this is how God sees us. And then i remember this video. Dude. God is BIGGER than that. Yet, He created those little teeny tiny organisms. And He created me. And loves me and knows my heart better than I know it.
Tonight, I stand completely and humbly amazed at my Creator.

i'll love you till the end.

2010-02-09T22:01:00.000-08:00

I danced tonight for the first time in eight months.
I forgot how much I missed it.
Gosh, I love it.
It's my thing.
Everyone has their thing. And mine is dance.
It is a part of me.
I'm not very good, but it doesn't matter to me.
I feel like in everything you do there will always be someone better out there, so I might as well be comfortable where I am.
I love it. That is all that matters to me.
Dance is my outlet.
For a full hour and a half, I didn't think.
My mind quit spinning.
You can't focus on anything when your dancing.
All that's there is the floor and you.
You focus on the steps and on the movement and you forget everything else.
All of the craziness of the day, all of the studying and paper writing and homework I have put off till the very very very last minute fades away for those few moments.
It didn't last nearly long enough.
I forgot how much I loved classical music.
There is something about it that just quiets me.
The barre has its own home in my heart.
You can't replace a love like this with running. As much as I try to.
The road I run on has no competition with a dance studio. and Marley floor. and a wooden barre. and pink tights and leotards and hair pulled back in a bun and ballet slippers and leg warmers and skirts.
Running will never calm me like a floor combination will.
Pushing myself to run one more lap around the track never gives me the satisfaction as pushing myself to get my leg up higher or add on another pirouette.
It's in my blood.
I love it.

child your'e forgiven and loved.

2010-02-08T15:52:00.000-08:00

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment." Matthew 22:37-38

Love is what our whole relationship with God is based on.
Think about what it means to love someone with every fiver in your being. To be so consumbed with love for them that nothing else matters.
That is an intense love.
That is a passionate love.
That is the kind of love that we are supposed to have for Jesus.
He wants us to want Him.
To long for Him and desire Him.
When you are in love with someone all you want to do is be around that person and spend all the time you can with them.
That is how is is supposed to be with Christ.
We are His bride.
When you get married you will, ideally, be crazy about the man that you marry.
As His bride we should be totally and completely head over heels in love with Him.
We should long to spend time with Him and our every thought should be consumed by Him.
Let's be realistic though, I am not that good. Time and time again I have forsaken my First Love. My flesh tends to take over and I lose focus of who He is.
I am so very thankful that I can repent and run back into His unfailing arms.
Regardless of how many times I forsake Him. Regardless of my flesh and my heart constantly failing Him, He takes me back and loves me unconditionally.
He is my strenght and my portion forever.

sovereign.

2010-01-22T13:07:00.000-08:00

Our God is sovereign above all else.
The weight of that word is so intense. He is an example of supreme excellence. He is absolute; of most exalted kind. I so often forget that. Lost in my worry and my anxiety I forget that my Love, my Jesus is sovereign. He sits wayy above my earthly problems. Rest in Him. In all that He is. I get all worked up over the little things on this earth. I forget that I am broken and a mess and that I am in need of a great and mighty Redeemer to restore my soul. My broken and weary soul. He invites us continually to come and to rest in Him. The One who is sovereign above all else. It is only then, when we see how broken and weary we are that His strength is enough. When we become aware that we cannot do it alone. At all. He is sufficient. His is perfect in our weaknesses. He restores and mends and loves on and fills us up.
Rest in Him. In His sovereignty and be renewed.

'tis the season to be jolly.

2009-12-24T14:18:00.000-08:00

tomorrow is the celebration of the birth of my Savior.

tomorrow just like every other year the fam will wake up and sit in front a tree surrounded by an abnormal amount of gifts while my patient dear, dear father talks through the christmas story and explains how christmas isnt really about the gifts and how blessed we are that christ came for us and has blessed in such a way that we are able to get all of these beautifully wrapped item under the tree and he will proceed to pray what feels like the loooooongest prayer known to all mankind. it really takes about 30 minutes, but it never fails to feel like FOREVER before he gives the go for us to pass out the gifts.

tomorrow is the celebration of the birth of my Savior.
and i can barely sit still for 30 minutes to praise and thank him for coming to save me.
christmas is about the One who came to save us. it is about the great I Am.
it sounds cliche i know, but christmas is about Him. not me. not the gifts under the tree. its about Him. i so easily forget that fact, particularly every christmas morning when i see the big package with my name written on it.
christmas is about Jesus, who came bind up your hurts, heal your heart and set you free.
He came so that we could have life and have it to the full.
all praise to be the One who loved us so much that He sent his only Son to save us.
to save me, one so unworthy of His unfailing love.
this advent season, may we focus on the true meaning of christmas.
taking multiple moments to remember why we celebrate His birth.
thanking Him for all that He is.
praising Him for He is, was and is to come.

i am Yours.

2009-12-05T13:28:00.001-08:00

His love has no bounds.
It is deeper than the ocean.
Higher than the Heavens.
His love is perfect.
He is perfect.
He fills you up, more like overflows you with his joy.
spending one moment in His Presence is infinity greater than anything else. ever.
He never leaves your side.
He loves you regardless of anything you have ever done, ever will do.
He promises to be your unlimited source of comfort and peace.
He up holds you in His right hand.
He hides you under His wings protecting you from evil and harm.
He wants nothing more than you to praise Him and proclaim that He is the Almighty God.
fall down at His feet and worship.
it is the reason we were put on this earth.

joy.

2009-12-04T05:39:00.000-08:00

though you have not seen Him,
you love Him,
even though you do not see Him now,
you believe in Him
and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy.
1 peter 1:8

lately i have found these words to be overwhelmingly true.
being a christian about 97.09809% is by faith.
you cant really prove that god exists.
you just choose to have faith and believe.
once you make that choice and really believe in Christ, you are filled with an overwhelming joy.
and inexpressible and glorious joy.
true statement.
it is inexpressible, a mystery.
Christ in all His glory is a mystery.
im not really sure why he came to earth to save us, he didnt need to.
he just loves us.
joy.
inexpressible and glorious joy.
im sure glad he came.
im so thankful that he loves us, even when we are completely unlovable.
choosing to walk by faith and not by sight proves to be contiually difficult,
but the joy of Christ is well worth it.
the way you get to see Him move from a day to day basis
is incredible.
every day at least once througout the day i find myself completly amazed and overwhelmed with who God is.
for taking pitty on such a soul as mine and redeeming it.
loving it.
healing it.
joy.
inexpressible and glorious joy.

taste and see that the lord is good.

2009-12-03T10:36:00.000-08:00

the mind can be so awful when under attack:
continually in motion,
thinking about thing after thing, moment after moment of your life.
never stopping to allow you a chance to stop.
to slow down and breathe.
sometimes you feel like you are on a never ending roller coaster that you have no control over.
my biggest fear.
the mind can be so tiring.
you hear the whispering in your mind:
why did you say that
why did you do that
you sinner.
you are not worthy, not worth it.
not lovely, not lovable.
all you want it to do is stop,
slow down and breathe.
one word makes it all better:
Jesus
that name is so powerful. even when barely whispered it brings order.
Jesus
and the battle within becomes his.
instead of the victim, your role is switched to one of faith.
trust.
and watch as the roller coaster slows to a stop.
whisper his name and the chaos is replaced with peace. the fear melts to joy.
with just his name.
thats all it takes.
come and rest.

ready. set. go.

2009-11-26T12:37:00.000-08:00

thanksgiving.
favorite holiday.
enjoy it.
eat it up.
literally.
pumpkin pie.
stuffing.
sweet potato souffle.
turkey.
its the start of seeing the fam for the holidays.
i love the fam.
i love thanksgiving.
i am thankful for a god who divinely placed me in this life.
all to him i owe.

a call.

2009-11-04T18:51:00.000-08:00

it has come so quiet that in my loud life, i was barely able to hear it. only noticing when participating in one of my least favorite things of all:

running

i have taken to hiding in Him as the Psalms tells us to do. but i have taken to hiding in Him in such a way that i hide my light from everyone else.

i pray constantly for my loves who have yet to know the beauty of my King.

i pray that someone else will come and shed light.

to be quite honest, i just dont feel like i am wise enough to share the gospel and what Christ means to me. i barely understand what He tells me, there is no way that i would be able to relay what god tells me others.

even in the rare couple of instances where i have listened to that voice and talked about what He has laid on my heart, i walk away discouraged, knowing that deep down what just came out of my mouth was complete gibberish that made no sense.

mainly, i am terrified of the reaction i will receive.

i am terrified of the judgement that i feel will inevitably come when i talk about Him.

and today on my run He convicted me in his loving and perfect way.

i hide myself in Him because i am afraid to proclaim the good works that have happened in my life.

not because i receive his confidence when i hide in him, but because i am too worried about how it will come across to say Christ is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

the fear that i will not be able to explain His love and goodness in the right way. the fear of rejection.

a call.

to hide in Him and receive His confidence to talk to others and tell about Jesus and proclaim His wonderfulness.

a call.

to shine my light so ALL can see it.

and see Him.

Jeremiah 29:11

2009-10-29T07:32:00.000-07:00

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord.

He knows the plans.
The plans have already been made.
There is no changing them. So why worry.
He has divinely arranged the events for the day.
No matter how hard you pray and worry over little things or big things, you cant change God's mind.
His plan is perfect. and it is meant to prosper you and give you plans of hope and a future. He loves you.
Let go and let God.
There is no point in worrying.
Rest in that.
Rest in Him.
He already knows what will happen.
Take His is ever faithful hand and allow Him to guide you.

tenthavenuenorth

2009-10-28T07:49:00.000-07:00

times

i know i need you
i need to love you
i love to see you and its been so long
i long to feel you
i feel this need for you
and i need to hear you
when we're close i fear you
sill im afraid to tell you what ive done
are you done forgiving?
I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame
I'm there through your heartache
I'm there in the storm
My love, I will keep you by My Power alone
I dont care where you've fallen, where you have been
I'll never forsake you
My love never ends, it never ends.

maybe its cliche to post lyrics.
but they are oh so crucial in this life i lead.

imissyou.

2009-10-21T08:17:00.000-07:00

i think my body is in shock.
since the 6th grade ive danced at least 4days a week for a good 3hrs a day.
and now all of sudden, im not dancing.
ive robbed my body of its primary source of excersie.
i work out. but its just not the same.
i dont get the same relief and strange relaxed feeling while im working out.
i cant really express myself and put whatever emotion im feeling into my crunches.
you just dont get the same effect.
there is no joy for me in running and going to absolutions.
i miss my dance.
i miss working out random muscles that you really didnt even know you had.
i miss that form of worship i was able to give to my Creator.

asl;kdhgioewhikfj

2009-10-12T19:24:00.000-07:00

i need 5 seconds to complain.

this paper that i am writing will be the death of me.
im hungry.
and i have no food to consume.
all i want to do is close my eyes and go to bed.
i need to go to the store.
and get food.
im hungry.
my brain shut off an hour ago, but i have proceeded to write because i am a HUGE procrastinator and i put this paper off until right before i had a meeting with my professor.
sweet.
im listening to classical music for the first time while doing school work.
and im in love.
at least thats one positive.

k. back to writing.
only 19 lines to go!

shine your light so i can see you.

2009-10-07T08:02:00.000-07:00

one day, i challenge you to sit in the dead quiet or in the screaming loud and ask God to reveal himself to you. if you aren't a believer challenge him say if your real, show me. and then wait. watch what happens. God is real. God is love. and He wants you. all of you. forget what youve heard about Him. focus on the truth. He came to bind up your hurts, heal your wounds and set you free. creak the door open about a millimeter. He will meet you there as you are. broken and wounded. He will meet you there with His grace and His strength. ask Him. i dare you.

Jesus Calling. Go. Buy. Now.

2009-10-07T07:45:00.001-07:00

In order to hear My voice, you must release all your worries into my care.
Entrust to me everything that concerns you.
This clears the way for you to seek My Face unhindered.
Let me free you from fear that is hiding deep inside you.
Sit quietly in My Presence, allowing My Light to soak into you and drive out any darkness lodged within you.
Accept each day just as it comes to you; remembering that I am sovereign over your life.
Rejoice in this day that I have made, trusting that I am abundantly present in it.
Instead of regretting or resenting the way things are, thank Me in all circumstances.
Trust Me and dont be fearful; thank Me and rest in My sovereignty.
~Sarah Young

yall.

2009-09-29T19:14:00.000-07:00

remember this post?
the one about how i HATE running?

guess what.
i went running yesterday.
i ran for about 45 minutes!
i know, i know. im proud of me too.

it was so lovely. and random. looking back i cant really believe that julianna royer did that. but it was great. i ran to hillsong united and just has a little jesus worship time. it was so beautiful out and it was just a perfect day to run.

im soo sore today.
but it was well worth it.
and tomorrow i think ill run again.

for me and you.

2009-09-18T07:09:00.000-07:00

Tonight I stand completely overwhelmed by God.

Take a second. Close your eyes and picture Christ on the cross.
Picture His hands spread out as far as they can.
Nailed to the cross.
Picture Him in all His glory, beaten and bruised for you.
For me.
He left his throne where he knew no sin and angels surrounded Him saying, "Glory, glory, glory" continuously and came to earth where man stood in front of Him yelling, "Crucify, crucify, crucify."
For me.
He came for me, a worthless child so that I might be free in Him.
Free from sin and from the hold of the evil one.
I am so undeserving. Yet He came and took it all for me at the cross.
I believe because of what He did at the cross.
I live for Him because of what He did at the cross.
He didnt have to do. But because He loved me so much, He came.
and died.
and rose again.
to save me.
So that I could be free.
I praise Him.

2009-09-15T20:26:00.001-07:00

so im sick :(
i dont have the swine. no worries.
but i do have a horrid cold and i am taking vitamins and medicine out the wazoo and am drinking 645129156 gallons of water a day.
no i really am.
yesterday i drank 5 bottles of water.
today 6.
not only am i single handedly destroying the ozone layer, i have to potty every two seconds.
it is RIDICULOUS.
lets take a minute to discuss the vitamins and meds.
they are huge and there are a lot of them.
i have to play games with myself in order to swallow them all down and once they are all gone, i get a pretzel stick.
dont judge.
its the only way.
tomorrow, im going for 7 bottles of water.
i like consistency.

im a state fan.

2009-09-08T10:27:00.000-07:00

i went to my first state football game last thursday!
that was the first time that i really realized that i go to state.
and that i know nothing about football.
its so hard to follow where the ball is. they are all really good fakers.
it was quite an exciting event.
anndd i now know that i want to be part of the band.
forget the football part of it, all i did was watch the band.
they are so cool. they have dances for every song they do. my goal is to learn them all by the end of the season.
i think that as a band member i will play the symbols.
they look like fun.

freedom

2009-08-27T20:27:00.001-07:00

you can be free.
all you have to do is surrender.
completely.
it sounds so simple. you want it to be simple.
but it is a moment by moment choice in which you completely release everything you are, ever fear you have, every sense of pride.
freedom is giving it up.
releasing it to the One who will replenish you with more than enough.
love, peace, joy, security, confidence.
all you have to do is surrender.
surrender to someone who you cant see, you just have to trust.
release.
quit trying to crawl out of the tiny hole all the way up in the very corner and just walk out the front door.
its unlocked and open wide, ready for you to run through it into fields of love and fulfillment beyond your knowledge.
trust that when you let go, it will be okay. He will be there.
freedom is found in complete surrender.

god. a constant in all the change.

2009-08-22T21:08:00.000-07:00

tomorrow is sunday.
i get to go to church!
i am excited.
notice i said get to.
not that it was ever like a burden for me, but i just have never been so thankful to have a god who is the same yesterday, today and forever.
through all of this change, He has been the one constant.
He has been the same.
He never changes.
i am so appreciative of that.
i am so excited about normalcy and regularity.
bring it on baby.

only happy things.

2009-08-18T10:55:00.001-07:00

can we please take a second and just admire how amazingly, wonderfully, perfect our God is?

this past week has been the most peaceful week ive had in a while.
and i went to college. what.

that is so not right. that is not what the normal julianna would say.

in the fleshiness of me, i would be freaking out and buy out targets dvd section to destress myslef.

but lately i have been trusting Him. trusting. something im not very good at. but this past week i have seen the goodness that comes from trusting Him.

lemmetellyou. it is lovely. and peaceful. and happy.

He has been so good to me and taken care of every little detail. even the ones that arent that big of a deal but really make me feel better.

i have the best roommate. our room is so homie and cute. i have a bangin' schedule. i have my best friend two buildings away.

every fear that i have had he has turned into a blessing.
i am soo thankful to have my Jesus to turn to.
He make everything better :)

while i eat my edamame.

2009-08-09T19:55:00.000-07:00

i leave for college in 6 days.
6 days.
i move out of my house that i have lived in for 16 years in 6 days.
i have never moved in my entire life.
at the moment, i cant walk in my room. there are boxes all over the place.
its a tad overwhelming.
i look at all of these boxes and wonder how it all will fit in the tiniest room known to man, which consequently is also my dorm room.
i have made more lists in the past month, than ever before.
and every list is a full, no more room to write anything piece of notebook
paper.

but strangely enough, im excited.
i mean im nervous. of course im nervous.
i wouldnt be me if i wasnt.
but my excitedness outweighs my nervousness.

let us stop and marvel at that last sentence.

let me have a quick moment of honesty. i have been secretly stressing about college in my brain for the past year and a half. for almost two years i have over analyzed and stressed over every last detail i could thing of about college.
and now that its here, like 6 days away here im excited.
what? who is this girl?
this is the most dramatic change ive ever had my entire life and im excited.

all because i am so certain that this is where god wants me. crazy.

hes good that way.

2009-06-11T20:48:00.000-07:00

i spent the majority of my day today wishing i was fearless.
wishing i loved roller coasters.
and dogs,
all animals for that matter.
wishing i wasnt so scared of goodbyes.
or the unknown.
wishing i could be excited about adventures without having to talk myself out of being afraid.
wishing that i could live my life and not worry about how things would turn out.

that was basically my thought process for the day.
wishing i could let go and jump without being afraid of the fall.

so quietly he spoke and explained to me the unfathomable.

i can be fearless.
through jesus.
he makes me brave. fearless. excited.
through him i am competent.
his presence shines through me and he is fearless. therefore i am fearless.

that is so exciting to me.
im such a scaredie-cat. i jump at every little thing that happens. im paranoid beyond measure. but through jesus, i am brave.
i can handle anything he hands me.
he is a part of me.

i am brave.

:)

dont over analyze. take it as it is.

2009-05-17T17:54:00.000-07:00

it has been ingrained in my head that jesus loves me.
i think so much so, that it has lost meaning to me.
jesus loves me.
think about that for a sec.
you know the feeling you have when you think of someone and you bubble over with love for them?
when you think that they are just the greatest thing in the whole world?
you know what im talking about?
now multiply that feeling by 2457986432.
thats how jesus feels about me.
and about you.
he loves you.
there is nothing in the world that i could do to change that.
really?
i used to be a little skeptical of that last part.
i still can be.
but its true.
we are unconditionally loved by him.

the middle of the end is near.

2009-05-13T19:42:00.000-07:00

its started.
the goodbyes.

i've been dreading them all year. and now they are slowly arriving.
we had our last small group tonight.
it was good. we reminisced.
i didnt cry. i laughed a lot. but no tears.
'till i got home.
and i read her letter.
she somehow knows me so well.
she wrote exactly what i needed to hear. it meant so much.
i bawled.
i hate goodbyes.
there are just certain people who i dont want to have to say goodbye to.
i know that i have to, but i just dont want to.
i dont want to act like we will be close in years to come, when i know we probably wont. i want to stay close forever.
but if i did that i wouldnt be able to fully experience all god has in store.
so if its what he wants i will be willing to let go.
holding fast to the promise that he his holding on to me and has more in store than i can fathom.

oh. im going to state.

2009-05-07T18:47:00.000-07:00

i think the one of the wierdest things for me next year is that i can go out on a school night.
its ingrained in my head that you just dont go out on school nights.
its a nono.
it will be weird to be able to go out and it not be a big deal.
i visited my brother at state like a month ago and we like were out 'till 11. that was just so wierd for me.
the whole time i was like he has classes tomorrow. he should be home doing homework and studying. not socializing.
im such an amateur .
i guess its just one of the many changes ill be adjusting to.
i cant wait :)

cheesecake makes everything better.

2009-05-01T20:31:00.000-07:00

its been a long, tiring week.

its left this little girl in a daze, wrapped up in trying to find the imperfect balance of being not enough and too much at the same time, forgetting who her jesus is.
forgetting that he loves her.
unconditionally.
that his strength is made perfect in her weaknesses.
that she doesnt have to try to be enough. she is enough simply because of who he is.

tonight this little girl needed to remember that she's not a good girl. she's god's girl.

i regret that decision.

2009-04-27T20:13:00.000-07:00

dear psych teacher,

today i find you very annoying. normally i kind of secretly like you.

your quirky. i like quirky. but not today.

we did nothing last week. at all. we sat and had 4 days to write 10 notecards. i finished within the first 15 minutes of the first day. and the rest of the week, i sat. not gonna lie, i was good with that. i like resting in the morning.

but then today. i come to class. i actually came.

i hung up on one of my best friends who lives in AUSTRALIA to make it on time to your class. to find out what?

that we have TWO essays tomorrow, a test on wednesday, a project that you give us TODAY to be turned in on thursday, and two MORE essays on friday.

seriously??

i sat for 4 days last week.

why didnt you give us the project then.

i have a 10 page paper due on wednesday. superb timing.

maybe i could have scheduled in time if i were aware...but i wasnt.

thanks for the heads up.

i think that was the closest ive ever come to a real panic attack. and then you throw in your "welcome to college, kids" line.

i hate when you say that. i just thought i'd let you know that because of you im not going to sleep this week.

approximately 83 minutes

2009-04-26T20:10:00.000-07:00

today i started to watch the little mermaid.
it was an impulse buy. i had to get it.
its a classic and a favorite.

when i turned it on i felt like i was 6 years old again.
completely captured by ariel's beauty and the spectacular life she leads.
i was completely in awe. jealous really.

for those few moments i wanted to be ariel.
i mean seriously who wouldnt?
that gorgeous hair that floats perfectly.
those big beautiful eyes.
and ridiculous voice.
today i spent approximately 83 minutes being a little girl.
being captivated by a cool, pretty 16 year old who is a mermaid under the sea.

that was my favorite thing about this weekend.

jitter bug

2009-04-22T19:19:00.000-07:00

im so jittery lately.

nothing is coming fast enough.

graduation.
summer.
college.
3:44

all day im just jittery.
i cant sit still.
im all squirmy.
all i want to do is run and speed things up.
chop chop.

so in the midst of my jitters,
im working on slowing down.
and soaking up these last few months of routine and normality.
'cause once august hits.

everything will change.

in his hands.

2009-04-20T18:37:00.000-07:00

sometimes, im just really thankful that i can fall back on jesus.

im glad that i dont have to understand everything that happens. im glad that he knows and that he is in control. and that is enough.

its days like today, when i dont understand things that happen that im glad i have someone bigger than me, bigger than everything, who holds the world in his hands, to trust and believe in.

its days like today that i am overflowing with thankfulness for him.

that phrase, he holds the world in his hands is so..impressive.
he holds the world in his hand.

like its nothing.

im blogging instead of studying.

2009-04-09T19:12:00.000-07:00

our god is so good.

so cliche but so true.

i love how he intricately designed and created us to work perfectly and for everything around us to work perfectly according to his will.
spring comes just around easter time. at least thats how ive always thought of it. well, actually ive always thought of it as spring comes around spring break time and easter falls somewhere around spring break. im just being honest.
but really spring comes right around easter. when jesus died on the cross to save us. to save me. he died so that new life could born.
i think that everyone gets a little happier, a little nicer when spring comes around. that awful cold weather has gotten the best of everyone and when they feel that temperature rise it just makes people happy. it makes me happy.
when spring comes around new life is born. flowers start to bloom, trees begin to grow beautiful, new, green leaves, the grass gets greener, people get happier.
i think that spring symbolizes christs resurrection. after a long and cold winter he brings forth a warm and lovely spring that puts us all in better moods. after a brutal and awful crucifixion, jesus rose from the dead to bring us life. to show us his incredible, unfailing, wonderful love.

our god is just so good. cliche, but true.

as of today, im an adult.

2009-04-08T13:48:00.001-07:00

hi im julianna royer. and im 18.

thats just weird.

today i turned 18 years old. as of today i can vote, die for my country, buy a pack of cigarettes, smoke a cigar, go clubbing, legally sign my own papers, and of course get a puppy out at the pet store. i even have to sign to allow my medical records to be released to my parents. and my grades next year in college.

dude. that a lot of new responsibilities.

i need a chill pill.

2009-04-01T19:03:00.000-07:00

if i used the facebook status, it would say julianna is confused.

you know when you have something all figured out and it makes complete sense and your happy and excited and everything feels right and then a letter comes in the mail that says youve been excepted to state and the next thing you know...you have no clue where you want to go to college?

yeah, thats me right this moment.

i had it all figured out. i was going to go to uncg. i was going to major in elementary education. i was going to have lindsay as my ra. i was going to hang out tay. i was already beginning to work through the fact that i wouldnt go to the same college as christin. i was telling babysitting clients i would be around in years to come. i was telling my dance studio i would still dance there.
and then i got the stupid letter that has turned my world upside down and left me with sleepless nights.
i have no clue what to do.
uncg is safe. i know uncg. it would be good there. i would love it there.
state is scary. i dont know state. i dont go to state 2 to 3 times a week. it is the unexpected. but something excites me when i think of going there. its an adventure. its somewhere new and exciting and unknown to me.
i need an adventure. im stuck in a rut. and i want something new, fresh and exciting. i need a change. a drastic change. a chance to get a completely new routine with completely new people.
and underneath all of that scariness, there is peace.
but when i think of uncg, there is peace.
see what i mean?
im confused.

maybe one day

2009-03-25T18:25:00.000-07:00

i started reading a book back in december.
im no even half way through.
i've never really been a big reader, its one of those things that i have always wanted to be, but never had enough discipline to actually be, like a runner.
im soo not a runner.
my best friend is though, and one time we decided to run together...biggest mistake of my life. it ended in her running and me walking, very slowly and then collapsing on the grass in my front yard afterwards.
ive always wanted to be a reader and a runner, but im just not. i mean maybe over the summer ill become one, a reader that is.
ive given up on any dreams of ever "going on a quick run to relive my stress". you know how people say that? ive never fully understood that. on gilmore girl's, rory's roommate, janet, is a big time runner and actually calls it a natural high. i just dont get it. yet, im still a little envious that she can actually call it a high, whereas it makes me never want to move ever again for the rest of my life.
anywho, mabye over the summer ill become a reader. i wont have homework to do, or school books to read. i like to read when there is absolutely nothing else left for me to do. ive checked the facebook and the blog, im caught up on all of my shows and there are no shows or movies on that i want to watch and no one to hang out with, then ill read. like a page and then come down and watch useless youtube videos and spend wayy too much time on flickr.
maybe once summer comes ill be a reader. maybe.

evidence.

2009-03-23T20:15:00.000-07:00

top 10 favorite episodes of friends:

the pilot
the one with the embryos
the one withe the thanksgiving flashbacks
the one with princess consuela
the one with all the poker
the one with the prom video
the one where ross finds out
the one where chandler crosses the line
the where everybody finds out
the with all the other ones part 2

this is what i did one night for three hours instead of homework.

oh avoidance.

2009-03-12T19:06:00.001-07:00

i cant make normal sentences.
they come out like gibberish.
i cant remember the names of simple things.
i forget to do parts of my daily routine.
at dance, i can never come in at the right time.
i cant get a full, normal breath.
i've started to make lists. of the most random things.
my favorite friends episodes.
the things i "need" to get.
my favorite movies.
i've started to impulse buy.
making random pit stops at random stores to buy random articles of clothing that i will most likely never wear.
all of this, tells me one thing.
im stressed.
my mind is at its full capacity, but i keep stuffing things in and in order to avoid the big things that im stressed about, i focus in on things that dont really matter. the lists. the impulse buying. not leaving any room to make normal sentences or breathe.
but instead leaving me with a momentary satisfaction.
it only take a little time before all of the real issues surface and i have to actually deal with them.
until then, ill just keep making lists.

march

2009-03-10T19:21:00.000-07:00

i love march.
i get a whole new rejuvenation for life.
with march, spring comes and relieves us of the awful and oh so done with you winter.
i switch from my flannel sheets to my cotton sheets.
i ride with the windows down and the music up.
it stays lighter later.
and most importantly, school starts coming to an end.
teachers begin to announce that we only have one test left.
and then review.
ahh the relief.
im so close to being done.
so close to never having to set foot in Walter Hines Page High School ever again. or any high school for that matter.
im soo close.
i just have to get through these last three months....really only one.
i mean lets be honest.
who really does any work after spring break?
especially if you are a SENIOR?
everything gets better in march.

on learning.

2009-03-08T19:00:00.000-07:00

i feel like i've been learning a lot recently.
i've guess i've been more open to learning.
in every aspect of my life.
i've been learning more about jesus.
i've been learning a lot about my car.
i've been learning how to manage money.
i've been learning how to hide in god and become more vulnerable to others.
i've been learning about who i am..and who i am through christ.
i mean the list goes on. i've been learning a lot.
its been good.
it has been quite the adventure, but i have rather enjoyed it.
i like learning new things.
my favorite think i've been learning: how to include christ in all that im learning. and how to further our relationship.
with every new adventure god has taken me on, i have not only learned something new but learned how to live through Him.
i mean its been tough...but the amount of joy that i've received through Him cancels the toughness out.
i've decided any new adventure that comes my way is from god and that i will get something useful out of it. if i choose to trust Him to help me through.
that last part is the hard part, but im getting better at it and its getting easier for it to become an automatic to turn to him.

woot

2009-02-26T18:41:00.000-08:00

im going to the david crowder band concert tomorrow.
in approximately 21 hours and 45 minutes i will be rocking out.
im psyched.

freedom

2009-02-22T20:22:00.000-08:00

i've found freedom.
freedom in my god. in my jesus.
a freedom that i have never known could be all 17 years of my life.
a freedom that is unfathomable.
i dont understand how it is.
but it is.
i've found freedom through Him.
my flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
my favorite part?
in order to experience this freedom i dont have to do anything.
i breathe and allow Him to fill me up.
thats it. the end.
the hardest part?
i dont have to do anything.
i want a list. i want a 4 step process to freedom. i want to check it off once and for all.
thats not the way this freedom works. its a daily choice to have freedom and truth or to stay in bondage. its a process of allowing Him to fill you up and getting used to not doing anything.
i love this new freedom.
the happiness i feel.
i can hardly express it.
He is my father. my everything. i can run to him and hide and he will keep me safe.
i feel safe.
i feel loved.
i feel free.

thoughts.

2009-02-22T20:13:00.000-08:00

it has been recently become apparent to me that i am an observer.
not a doer.
i like to be near the action but not in the action.
i like to watch the action; have a good view.
but thats it.
i dont really like to have attention on me.
i like giving attention to other people.
i love to people watch.
i love to set back and get a good look at the picture that i am in. soak up every detail and store it. to be taken out on a rainy day to give me a smile.
im an observer.
i hadnt really ever noticed it 'til recently.
i like to observe.
watch my surroundings; over analyze what is going on.
im an observer.
i like it.

the dreaded recitaion.

2009-02-12T20:16:00.000-08:00

is this a daggerr which i see before me
the handle toward my hand
come let me clutch thee
i have thee not yet i see thee still
are thou not fatal vision sensible to feeling as to sight or art thou but a dagger of the mind a false creation proceeding from this heat oppressed brain
i see thee yet in form as palpable
as this which now i draw
thou marsh'llst me in the way i was going
and such an instrument i was to use
mine eyes are made fools o' the other senses
or else worth all the rest
i see thee still and on thy blade and dungeon gouts of blood which was not so before there's no such thing
it is the bloody business which informs
thus to mine eyes now o're the half world
nature seems dead and wicked dreams abuse
the curtained sleep the witches celebrate
pale hecate's offerings and withering murder
alarumed by his sentinel, the wolf
whose howl's his watch, and with his stealthy pace
with Turcain's ravishing stride, towards his design
moves like a ghost thou sure and firm set earth
hear not my steps, which way they walk, for fear
thy very stone prate of my whereabouts
and take the present horror from the time
which now suits it, whiles i threat, he lives
words, to the heat of deed too cold breathe gives
a bell rings
i go and it is done, the bell invites me
hear it not duncan, for it is a knell
that sends thee to heaven or to hell.

yeah. i dont know what it means either.
i have to recite it tomorrow in my english class.
the whole freakin' thing.
i do okay up until it starts talking about the wolf.
from then on i just cant quite get it.
but i have to get it.
by tomorrow in third period.
he is giving us this one day to say it.
its 2 weeks before we actually have to recite it,
but if we do it tomorrow, we can say it from our seats and yall. there is NO WAY on this earth that i am getting up in front of that class and reciting this whole entire thing. i refuse. instead im choosing to studder through it tomorrow from my seat where i sit how i like and talk with my hands as much as like and not get counted off for it.
im nervous.
i've worked soo hard this week to memorize this whole thing. im not giving myslef an option. im saying i tomorrow. if it kills me. end of story.

sick day.

2009-02-05T14:20:00.000-08:00

i took a sick day today.
i stayed home and slept all day.
i layed on the couch and watched ellen for hours.
thats such a great show.
i love her.
i want to her know jesus.

sometimes i love being sick.
despite how awful i felt, i really enjoyed today.
it was just me and my mom home all day together.
she waited on me hand and foot.
she babied me.
this was the one time i allowed it. i received the babying with open arms.

we talked all day. well she talked i layed sprawled on the couch listening to her talk about my future. giving me different plans and scenarios of my life. catching me up on things with my brother and things with my grand parents.

today i layed on my couch.
all day.
i had to in order to get better.
it felt so good.

something more.

2009-01-21T19:05:00.000-08:00

i've decided to participate in E100.
it was a decision i made last night, i randomly decided to try it and see how it went.
i wasnt going to set my sights too high.
i always do that, and then let myself down and feel as though i've disappointed god.
so i just decided to take it one day at a time,
to read and let his presence take over and allow me to learn what he has in store for me.

i have never been so interested in the bible before.

the series starts in genesis.
and ill be honest, it has never stuck a cord with me before.
its never really given me any insight.
really and truly, it has always bored me.
i have tried to read the bible through many times and every time i just decide to skip to psalms, cause those first few books seem so pointless.

as of last night, i stand corrected.
it was like a story.
it was a page turner.
i wanted to know what happened to the man and woman he created.
i was let down when they ate the apple.
i was into it.
and that excites me. i've never been interested in the bible before. its always been like a text book to me: big and boring.
but last night something changed, it became something more.
it became this enthralling story of a god who created this world and these people and how he reveals himself to them and shows them his incredible love.
last night i closed my bible wanting more.
and i loved that feeling.